Texts from Friends…Again.

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If you knew Mike, this would be way funnier…


Vanessa was Alarmed

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While shopping downtown one day, you find an antiques store that has a rare, old doll. You buy it for your daughter. A few days later she tells you her new toy can talk. You don’t believe her, until one afternoon you find yourself alone in the house, and it starts talking to you.

Well, I had just dropped off Gertrude at the party and I was just standing there, going through the mail, because of course I had let it sit for days, when I heard a voice.  I looked out the window to see if it was children running through the garden again, Arthur is always complaining about those Lawrence twins, when I realized that it was coming from the kitchen.  I thought that I had left the radio on so I ignored it and kept with the mail when the voice said, “Mrs. Abbey, do you think you could lend me a hand?”

I tell you, I don’t think I’ve ever been so startled in my life!  I had no idea what to do; I mean it was the middle of the afternoon on a Saturday, who breaks in on a Saturday??  And of course this happened the weekend Arthur was gone and I had given Gene the afternoon off.  What does one do?  Well, I’ll tell you what I did-I got a hammer.  Yes, a hammer.  I was ready to walk into the kitchen and just start waving it blindly and hopefully hit someone. No darling, it had been sitting there because Arthur had never actually followed through on hanging the sconce-he’s so easily distracted, you know? He got the hammer-or wait, is it a mallet?  Mallets are rubber?  Yes, then it was a hammer. He brings it out of the cupboard and next thing you know the phone rings and it’s the office and 2 days later the thing is still sitting on the front table like it’s a china vase.

What was I saying? Oh yes-the voice! So I’ve the hammer in one hand and the mail in the other, it honestly never occurred to me to drop it and I walk into the kitchen and no one is there.  I think, “Oh dear, Ness you’ve taken too many Alprazolam again…” so I just check all the windows and doors and as I’m turning to go back to the front table, I hear the voice again!! This time it says, “Please don’t be alarmed, Mrs. Abbey, but I really could use a bit of help.”

Well, yes I was alarmed, when someone says not to be alarmed, it’s usually a time to be alarmed, isn’t it?  No one says, “Ma’am, I’m here for your handbag, and I need you to be quite alarmed” do they?  So, I turn around and still no one there and nothing has moved since the disaster of this morning-oh of course I had completely forgotten to get Gertrude’s little friend a present until half way through coffee so I had to rush poor Gertie through her breakfast and get out the door with enough time to stop and pick up something for little what’s his name.  Oh just a little toy helicopter, it has a little remote that makes it fly.  Yes, it is quite the little thing-how far toys have come…

Anyway, there I was standing there, without my hammer mind you because this time I dropped it and the mail, I’m terrified and confused when all of a sudden, there it was again, “Down here, Mrs. Abbey.”  A small, meek little voice now coming from the breakfast table… In all my life, I never thought I’d be the one in the family to lose it, but at that moment, all I could think was, “It’s me!  Arthur will have to take care of me!  How horrible, the man can’t even pick a tie in the morning, and there he’ll be spoon feeding me porridge and trying to make Gertie costumes for school plays because kitchens talk to Ness and now she talks back to them!”  Oh, it was horrible, I tell you.

So there I was in full panic but still petrified-and it clicked-I knew where it was coming from…

Gertie has been going on all week about that doll from that little shop that opened next to Maxwell’s place… “Princess Tiny likes honey on her bread not jam, Princess Tiny wants to swing too, Princess Tiny says her name is really Ludvine, Princess Tiny does not eat tomoatoes…” and on and on… and I honestly thought nothing of it.  And you know, day before yesterday, we were on the way to school when she was telling me what else Princess Tiny liked or didn’t like, I honestly can’t be bothered to remember, when I had hit my saturation point and said to her, “I think I’ve heard enough about Princess Tiny now, and if she has anything she wants to say she can, but until then let’s talk about something else!” And you know, I felt awful for snapping at her and just as I was about to explain that sometimes parents get angry, Gertie just said, “Oh okay, tell her about you, Princess Tiny.”  Of course she said nothing and we moved on, but Gertie was almost gracious about it, and then said, “Don’t worry she’ll tell you what she likes from now on…” and I didn’t think twice about it.  Why would I?

I looked over at the table and under it was that doll!  YES, Princess Tiny was talking to me.

Gertie must have had her at the table and she fell off in our commotion this morning… Anyway, I turned to the table, and there she was under it, upside-down.  Well, I went over and picked her up and sat her on the bench and do you know, as clear as day, she thanked me!  She said, “Thank you, I was beginning to get quite dizzy.”

I tell you, I almost fainted.  On the spot, I could have died.  Well, of course I didn’t faint, don’t be absurd.

Anyway, I’ve just sat her there and asked if she’s actually talking or if I was hearing things.  Because the fact is that her lips don’t move, and she doesn’t move-youjust hear her.  She said that she was actually talking and that she was talking to Gertie, she said she liked talking to Gertie.  She was a good listener!  Of course she’s a good listener, she’s five and a bloody doll is talking to her!  I just couldn’t fathom how to respond…  I didn’t even know what to ask-what doyou ask?

Well, that’s about where the story ends… Well, it just happened.  What do you mean, what do I mean?!  I mean I’m now sat at a table staring at a doll.  Anyway, that’s why I phoned.  I’ve just put the kettle on, and she wants you to come over.  I know you haven’t got anything better to do, and I’m beside myself, so…

Bring Penny’s little Emma with you…


Happy Mail!

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Got a polite reminder in the mail today that all my friends are pretty much THE FUCKING RADDEST.

An and Ria’s First Flight

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This may be the most joyous thing I’ve ever seen…